Graveyard shift comes alive

When the President sent for me I was betwixt my graveyard shift for Sri Lanka Anti-Sleep Society. I only had time to brush my teeth and was out lickety-split Temple Tree way. I ran upstairs to see few big-guns in a huddle with the Pres.

“As my adviser on conspiracy affairs I want you to tell me if the people of this country would smell one if I appointed a new Prime Minister,” asked the debonair chief executive. From the north-east corner of my right eye I saw Minister Maithripala Sirisena slumped in a chair. He didn’t look very happy. Crouched on a foot stool was Mervyn Silva, Dutugamunu reincarnated. “I know the country wants a fit and able Prime Minister so I am appointing Mervyn as PM, the Pres voiced.

Conspiracy? Nah, it is on vacation in Pasikudah! “That would be lovely Sir,” I said, “after all, he is the most suitable candidate,” blithely endorsing the President’s choice. With that the President offered a toast to the man of the hour. We clinked glasses. The sound pierced my ears. It was 1:54 a.m. when I was rudely awakened from my happy dream. It was my mobile phone. Piqued but curious I checked the incoming text. My anger soon turned into unbridled delight. “Special weekend offer @ PITSTOP.” My considerate service provider has a penchant for late night dialogue. The message went on: “Full detailing package with 25% discount on labour.” Beautiful thoughts came over me. It has been a month of Sundays since I last treated myself to a full detailing package and who could resist such a tantalising offer on such a romantic hour?

Called Lasith Malinga to ask if he received the offer as well. Told him that a total detailing job could do wonders for his sagging image.

 Arrived in office for an even more enticing propoundment. It would probably go down as the email ad of the year. The headline was a stunner. ” If you drink Fadna-X Tea in the morning, you will know the difference in the night,” it professed. Further scrutiny shed more light. The ad for an herbal tea invites you to drink the product for 10 days and see what happens. The copy goes onto say how incredibly fabulous it will be if both you and your partner drink the product available at leading supermarkets in town. Aphrodisiacs don’t get any better. Bought a dozen packs of Fadna-X on the way home.

Eleena, a friend from the women’s lib, called with a question. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, life rafts and sandwiches have in common? I could think of just one thing. “Well, you probably need them when you are on the run from a woman scorned,” I blurted. She said that I was only part right but what she wanted to get across was that they were all invented by women. Rotary engine, laser printer, washing machine and windscreen wiper, too, she averred. Don’t forget it’s a woman who bore you and it’s a woman who bosses you, she admonished.

It turned out to be a gentle reminder that today, 8 March, is International Women’s Day. Married men would disagree. They’d swear that every day, all 365, would be women’s and would pray, in fact, for just one day called International Husband’s Day. But we all know the truth. We men would be nothing without women. So here’s for all mothers, daughters and sisters, the unsung heroes of our world. Oh yes, wives, too! Phew, close call!

I think I’ll drink to that!

(Dinesh Watawana is a former foreign correspondent and military analyst. He is a brand consultant and heads The 7th Frontier, an integrated communications agency which masterminded the globally-acclaimed eco tourism hotspot KumbukRiver. Email him at [email protected].)