A heart that feels, a mind that thinks

What is the combination of heart and mind?

This combination creates the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage your emotions in positive and constructive ways. It’s about recognising your own emotional state and the emotional states of others.

Recognising and understanding comes from the mind whilst emotions/feelings come from the heart. This combination is what we call ‘Emotional Intelligence’. Emotional intelligence is also about engaging with others in ways that draw people to you.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a different type of intelligence. It’s about being “heart smart,” not just “book smart.” The evidence shows that emotional intelligence matters just as much as intellectual ability, if not more so, when it comes to happiness and success in life. Emotional intelligence helps you build strong relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your goals.

Four branches of emotional intelligence

Salovey and Mayer proposed a model that identified four different factors of emotional intelligence: the perception of emotion, the ability reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotion and the ability to manage emotions.

1.Perceiving emotions: The first step in understanding emotions is to accurately perceive them. In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions.

2.Reasoning with emotions: The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions help prioritise what we pay attention and react to; we respond emotionally to things that garner our attention.

3.Understanding emotions: The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of their anger and what it might mean. For example, if your boss is acting angry, it might mean that he is dissatisfied with your work; or it could be because he got a speeding ticket on his way to work that morning or that he’s been fighting with his wife.

4.Managing emotions: The ability to manage emotions effectively is a key part of emotional intelligence. Regulating emotions, responding appropriately and responding to the emotions of others are all important aspect of emotional management.

How to measure emotional intelligence

“In regard to measuring emotional intelligence – I am a great believer that criterion-report (that is, ability testing) is the only adequate method to employ. Intelligence is an ability and is directly measured only by having people answer questions and evaluating the correctness of those answers” – John D. Mayer.

• Reuven Bar-On’s EQ-I: A self-report test designed to measure competencies including awareness, stress tolerance, problem solving, and happiness. According to Bar-On, “Emotional intelligence is an array of non-cognitive capabilities, competencies, and skills that influence one’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”
• Multifactor Emotional Intelligence Scale (MEIS): An ability-based test in which test-takers perform tasks designed to assess their ability to perceive, identify, understand, and utilise emotions.
• Seligman Attributional Style Questionnaire (SASQ): Originally designed as a screening test for the life insurance company Metropolitan Life, the SASQ measures optimism and pessimism.
• Emotional Competence Inventory (ECI): Based on an older instrument known as the Self-Assessment Questionnaire, the ECI involves having people who know the individual offer ratings of that person’s abilities on a number of different emotional competencies.

Developing emotional intelligence through five key skills

• Emotional intelligence consists of five key skills, each building on the last:
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognise and manage your emotions.
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal communication.
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humour and play to deal with challenges.
• Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress

When we’re under high levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the window. Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability to accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of our own feelings and needs, and communicate clearly.

The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face.

Stress busting: Functioning well in the heat of the moment

Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps:

• Realise when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is recognising what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and relaxed.
• Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated? Freeze with anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your specific stress response.
• Discover the stress busting techniques that work for you – The best way to reduce stress quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 2: connect to your emotions

The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others.

Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences changes from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: Nonverbal communication

Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, what we say is less important than how we say it or the other nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues that other people send us.

Nonverbal communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form of communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we listen, look, move, and react. Our nonverbal messages will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humour and play to deal with challenges

Humour, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They lighten our burdens and help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings our nervous system back into balance.

• The ability to deal with challenges using humour and play is the fourth skill of emotional intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps us:
• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humour often helps us say things that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
• Simultaneously relax and energise ourselves. Playful communication relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and accomplish more.
• Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: resolve conflicts positively

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing! Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humour and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.

How to raise your emotional intelligence

Most of us know that there is a world of difference between knowledge and behaviour, or applying that knowledge to make changes in our lives. There are many things we may know and want to do, but don’t or can’t when we’re under pressure. This is especially true when it comes to emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is not learned in the standard intellectual way; it must be learned and understood on an emotional level. We can’t simply read about emotional intelligence or master it through memorisation. In order to learn about emotional intelligence in a way that produces change, we need to engage the emotional parts of the brain in ways that connect us to others. This kind of learning is based on what we see, hear, and feel. Intellectual understanding is an important first step, but the development of emotional intelligence depends on sensory, nonverbal learning and real-life practice.

How to improve your emotional intelligence

The good news is that emotional intelligence CAN be taught and developed. Many books and tests are available to help you determine your current EI, and identify where you may need to do some work. You can also use these tips:

Observe how you react to people. Do you rush to judgment before you know all of the facts? Do you stereotype? Look honestly at how you think and interact with other people. Try to put yourself in their place, and be more open and accepting of their perspectives and needs.

Look at your work environment. Do you seek attention for your accomplishments? Humility can be a wonderful quality, and it doesn’t mean that you’re shy or lack self-confidence. When you practice humility, you say that you know what you did, and you can be quietly confident about it. Give others a chance to shine – put the focus on them, and don’t worry too much about getting praise for yourself.

Do a self-evaluation. What are your weaknesses? Are you willing to accept that you’re not perfect and that you could work on some areas to make yourself a better person? Have the courage to look at yourself honestly – it can change your life.

Examine how you react to stressful situations. Do you become upset every time there’s a delay or something doesn’t happen the way you want? Do you blame others or become angry at them, even when it’s not their fault? The ability to stay calm and in control in difficult situations is highly valued – in the business world and outside it. Keep your emotions under control when things go wrong.

Take responsibility for your actions. If you hurt someone’s feelings, apologise directly – don’t ignore what you did or avoid the person. People are usually more willing to forgive and forget if you make an honest attempt to make things right.

Examine how your actions will affect others – before you take those actions. If your decision will impact others, put yourself in their place. How will they feel if you do this? Would you want that experience? If you must take the action, how can you help others deal with the effects?

How to use emotional intelligence

Know what you are feeling. Having a large vocabulary of feeling words is important. To be emotionally intelligent, you must be able to accurately identify your feelings and emotions.

Share your feelings with others. After identifying your feelings, it is important to share them with others regularly. Be sure you are asserting your feelings, not only complaining about a situation or problem. An emotionally intelligent statement might be, “This long project is making me frustrated and overwhelmed.”

Try to understand others. Step outside of your own views and try to identify with the ideas and beliefs of others. This is important to do, especially in the middle of an argument or debate. Your perception of the situation will be widened, allowing more solutions to be presented.

Listen carefully and accurately restate others’ concerns or beliefs. Part of being emotionally intelligent requires you to be able to listen to others and then restate their views accurately. Remember that acknowledging another person’s point of view does not mean that you agree with them, but it does mean that you have correctly heard and understood them.

Think of many options when faced with a decision. Emotionally intelligent people come up with a number of options when faced with a problem or dilemma. It is important to be open, not to be boxed in by limited thinking or narrow-mindedness. Sometimes seemingly unconventional ideas turn out to be the best options.

Have realistic goals and work to achieve them. Keeping your sights on self improvement and taking positive steps in the direction of your goals is important, even if the goal is small and insignificant to others.

Be optimistic. Looking at things with a “glass half full” approach will help you to access your emotions, identify with others and be proactive in dealing with others and your own personal goals.

(The writer is the Managing Director & CEO, McQuire Rens & Jones (Pvt) Ltd. He has held Regional Responsibilities of two Multinational Companies of which one, Smithkline Beecham International, was a Fortune 500 company before merging to become GSK. He carries out consultancy assignments and management training in Dubai, India, Maldives, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia and Bangladesh. Nalin has been consultant to assignments in the CEB, Airport & Aviation Services and setting up the PUCSL. He is a much sought-after business consultant and corporate management trainer in Sri Lanka. He has won special commendation from the UN Headquarters in New York for his record speed in re-profiling and re-structuring the UNDP. He has lead consultancy assignments for the World Bank and the ADB. Nalin is an executive coach to top teams of several multinational and blue chip companies. He is a Director on the Board of Entrust Securities Plc.)