Why social norms around working moms should change

Working moms face real pressure

Motherhood is something most of us look forward to, with us preparing for it in the pursuit of happiness, but honestly, nothing can ever prepare you for it. We take classes, do research and speak to others to understand the systematic approach of parenthood. Moreover, we set larger than life expectations for ourselves on how to bring up a child from giving birth to nursing to the process of returning to work post-delivery. We have an exhaustive line of boxes to tick on our list. Nevertheless, none of these efforts can gear us up for pregnancy, delivery, caring for a baby and the life beyond.

Motherhood is demanding, constant, exhausting and it’s not an easy task to keep a child alive and thriving as the process is complicated with unforeseen circumstances. Mothering is in the details; the number of feedings, the monitoring of your baby’s weight and the hours the baby should be sleeping. The details are also in the efforts to get back to work after your maternity leave all the while nurturing and caring for your infant which is the key factor in determining the health and wellbeing of your child in the long run.

Many career-driven women, myself included, struggle to go back to work after maternity leave. It is a difficult task to leave the baby as many of us are unprepared, overwhelmed, challenged, and often confused. The demands of the corporate world and the demands of managing a house with kids are often a huge task as we as women often underestimate the cost of motherhood. The biggest issues are faced by women who have invested in their education, have earned degrees, want to maintain their careers and intend to be that ‘Perfect mom’ too. What we all fail to understand is that our cultures have placed us for perfection at home, work and social life.

The myth about a ‘Perfect mom’

Most parents get emotionally exhausted resulting in parental burnout. Parental burnout can result in reduced feelings towards parental responsibilities, accomplishments, and emotional distancing from their children. Looking to escape duties, sleep problems, addictions, suicidal ideation and neglecting family are some severe consequences for parents themselves.

A perfect mom relates to a highly successful working mother’s parenting, work outcomes and social likeability. It is also reported that the pressure felt to be a perfect mom is negatively reflecting on a woman’s work-family balance, which in turn leads to lower career ambitions.

Common challenges faced by working moms

1. Difficulty to maintain work-life balance

If a working mom cannot maintain a work-life balance, it can have a drastic effect on her emotional and mental health, forcing her to quit her job or take a step back from her career ambitions. It is proven that handling a professional job, attending to household chores and looking after kids are quite daunting for women as they fall for the societal pressure of being ‘perfect moms’.

2. Constant thoughts of guilt

As per societal norms, mothers should be the sole nurturers in the family looking after the children and supporting the spouse to achieve his dreams and aspirations. Mothers are truly one of a kind and they too have dreams and aspirations irrespective of societal norms. Hence, there is a constant battle within, with mothers carrying a sense of guilt as the judgements of the society loom over them if they are to choose their careers over home.

3. A rift between passion and obligation

It is only human for a person to have dreams and aspirations. A working mom tends to her family needs; therefore, it is always a battle between choosing what she wants to do vs what she must do. The constant rift between passion and obligation pushes a working mom to feel less motivated towards fulfilling her ambitions.

4. Priorities are questioned

As per societal norms there is a great disparity between how we look at working men and working women. The societal norms are such that a man has less responsibility towards family chores and idolised as the ‘breadwinner’, whereas a woman is idolised as the ‘home-maker’ with more responsibility towards family chores. Therefore, when a woman starts her career, the society tends to often question her priorities and commitment towards family.

5. Never-ending efforts to multitask

Working at office or from home, women are expected to tackle their time between professional and personal life. Therefore, it is a common challenge for working moms to constantly multitask.

6. The need to be perfect all the time

Working women in modern-day are expected to represent ‘superwoman’ by society balancing a profession, family, kids’ development and looking after her health. Saying that, it is often seen as undue pressure put upon these working moms to be ‘perfect’ which is an impossible status to attain.

Positive effects of working moms for the society

1. Working moms are positive role models to their children

Women are not domestic servants; they may also have a professional life of their own and children should be able to understand this fact from an early age. Girls should be taught that they should think about a professional career while they plan to get married and have kids. Also, boys should be taught the concept of taking care of children, helping his wife with household chores as a part of family life. These early lessons will encourage them to help their spouses when they start their own family lives and aid them in living a fulfilling life.

2. Working moms raise more independent kids

While the parents juggle careers and house chores, the children are held responsible to do their own tasks. By this, the children get influenced by parents’ busy lives to be more independent.

3. Working moms are less prone to depression

Research done over the years show that stay-at-home moms are more likely to suffer from depression which can have drastic effects on the children. A family can never benefit from having a depressed and an unhappy mother around.

4. Working moms can better manage quality time with their kids

While everyone knows the importance of spending quality time with kids it is a very sad fact that many parents are only half present for the kids due to various reasons including being attached to their devices. However, it is known that working moms tend to make time for their kids when they get home to make up for the lost time during the day. Therefore, working moms make time for their kids deliberately giving 100% attention while leaving calls, texts, Facebook, etc. to be attended, after the kids are sent to bed.

5. Working moms’ kids have fewer behavioural problems

Most mothers think that not spending enough time with their children may lead to behavioural problems. However, after looking at research and studies done since 1960, the truth is that working moms’ children don’t suffer at all. Also, in many cases they found out that these children were even better behaved than the stay-at-home moms’ children.

6. Working moms do not affect their children’s emotional development

The research done by University College London on the area of ‘Are working moms’ children emotionally deprived?’ has shown very interesting data. The data shown was very positive as these children were happy and were not emotionally deprived. The answer to this is that the working mothers balance their work and parenting responsibilities well. Also, it is noted that day-care facilities, support from family, a supportive spouse and parent-friendly workplace policies have helped working moms bring up emotionally healthy children.

7. Working moms tend to be in happier relationships

In today’s busy lifestyle it is a daunting task for a spouse to be available emotionally and physically for the other. Therefore, for a relationship to be successful a lot of it is dependent on a partner’s attitude, understanding and support for a working mother. Many working moms have found it easier to maintain healthy relationships as they are happier and more fulfilled making their relationships even stronger.

8. Working moms get a break

The common myth is that working moms leave all chores and responsibilities behind and go to work. But this isn’t the case at all as working moms are able to prioritise and delegate their duties even at home or work. Working moms are more fulfilled and can take time off from work as well as family time to time.

Working moms! Let’s deal with these challenges, shall we?

•  Make sure to organise and plan your work for the day beforehand so that you can manage your time efficiently and effectively.

•  Make sure to develop a relationship with your husband to acknowledge his role as a parent too so that he puts in the same effort you do in taking care of the family and sharing responsibilities of house chores.

•  Maintain cordial relationships with your relatives and siblings so that you can approach them easily in times of an emergency.

• Make sure that your colleagues and superiors know the importance of your child and your family so in times of urgency they understand your situation.

•  Most importantly, you must understand the value of your own dreams and ambitions. While motherhood may be the most wonderful blessing known to womankind, it is surely not the end of your individuality.

• Make sure to acknowledge the fact that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect mom’ who has ever balanced her career, family and health to meet societal expectations.

Personal experience

Raising two girls myself who are 17 and 11, I’m constantly challenged to balance my entrepreneurial journey and playing the role of a wife and mom. I have dealt with pressure starting from expectations of ‘A grade’ report cards for kids, juggling their sports activities, attending to house chores and maintaining my fitness while running three businesses. But I have adopted coping mechanisms to make sure I don’t burn out and end up being an unhappy and a depressed mom.

I’ve learnt to take one day at a time and have small goals for myself rather than try to achieve 100 goals at a time. Also, I believe as a mother especially living in a South Asian country it is important to prioritise our kids’ mental and physical health so that we don’t regret later in our lives. Also, it is important to have a network of likeminded working moms to discuss their daily struggles so that we understand we aren’t in this alone.

Also, I firmly believe the concept of a ‘Perfect mom’ is unrealistic and created by ourselves complicating motherhood, our dreams and ambitions. So, let’s achieve our dreams and ambitions while we look after our kids.

If a working mom cannot maintain a work-life balance, it can have a drastic effect on her emotional and mental health, forcing her to quit her job or take a step back from her career ambitions. It is proven that handling a professional job, attending to household chores and looking after kids are quite daunting for women as they fall for the societal pressure of being ‘perfect moms